Of course...

My consistent prayer is that God make it clear to me what he wants me to do. I tend to need a pretty good push to actually notice anything. That's why I tell Laura not go give me hints, but rather tell me directly so I don't miss what she's trying to tell me.

So minutes ago, I was at the gas station, the third one today in hopes of finding a good price. A man next to me asked me for some "spare change" because his debit card "stopped working." I didn't see any good reason not to give him a couple bucks. In the back of my mind though, I hear a voice that said to fill his tank. I blew it off thinking that someone with money could do that, but not me. I was mad enough at the recently risen gas prices, and meeting my budget concerns.

I got halfway home when I realized God had indeed aligned the planets for me to serve the Least of These, and I ignored his signals. See, tomorrow I'm going on a road trip for work. So essentially all the money I would've given this man would be reimbursed. I also could've used my rewards card and gotten the points from his fill up. Not to mention, if I were in his shoes I would have felt like a heel, asking for for money. Surely he wasn't excited about it.

So basically, I ignored God's call. I really need to open my eyes and not assume that God isn't talking to me. This is one of those things that I probably won't forget. I only have a few regrets in life. All of them are situations like this, where visit could help, but didn't.

Parental Low Point

Yesterday was a low point in the history of my parenting performance. I inadvertently became my father, and I didn't even see it coming.

I was making sure the kids were to not plug/unplug cords from my computer, I got a little emotional. It started about a month ago when I went to plug my USB thumb drive into the front of my computer in the morning. Dark, I fumbled around trying to get it aligned. Flipped it over the standard 3 times, plus a couple more for good measure. By then I had to turn on a light, and witnessed both the front USB ports completely broken. I was pretty mad, but chalked it up to the computer's placement relative to the high-back chair...my fault. At that point I decided to plug all the necessary cords into the 5 or so ports on the back of the computer, and run the cables along the desk. And, I figured, since we have a zillion micro USB, and iPod cables all over the house, these cables would never need to be removed from the PC.

So yesterday, I am attempting to make sure all the kids understand that the cords need not be removed from the computer. (This is a result of fear that more USB ports will be broken in the future.) By the time I got over to Carly I had become more annoyed at the potential of broken USB ports, so my voice was probably too assertive. She claimed I was "yelling at her". I clarified that I wasn't "yelling". She reiterated her position that I was yelling at her. And before any rational thought could enter my mind, I yelled at the top of my lungs, "DO YOU WANT ME TO YELL?!"

[fail]

I failed on so many levels. On the surface I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I neglected to consider the other 3 people in the room that had absolutely nothing to do with the situation, yet bore the brunt of the attack. My youngest daughter (11) and her friend (8), as well as Carly's friend (11) witnessed the asshole buried inside a pleasant exterior.

Of course it didn't take long before Laura came down to assess the situation. At that time, I realized my job was done, and trotted upstairs, mentioning that I had given instruction of the difference between "yelling" and "not yelling". Shortly thereafter Laura came upstairs to tell me that I freaked out the 8 year old, and Carly's friend was crying. I decided to take a few minutes in solitude to reflect.

After about 30 minutes I came to a few conclusions, with the most significant being what Laura & I have been trying to build (a safe place where our kids, and their friends could hang out, and be loved) was threatened. It could even be torn down in an instant, with a stupid lack of judgment such as this. Carly would likely remember this event for life. Her friend (who's not my kid!) would likely remember me as the father that can blow up at any moment without warning.

I made what seemed like feeble attempts to apologize to everybody. I mentioned that I had a lack of judgment. Now I feel like this apology isn't going to repair the damage I've surely caused. I need to reiterate my feelings of regret, and possibly even promise never to do such a thing again. It was uncalled for, and unnecessary.

PJ

Today I want to write about my son.

Last night I watched 300 for the hundredth time, and I noticed a couple subtle details regarding the father/son relationship I hadn't noticed before.  After the son had been killed, the father said he regretted he hadn't told his son that he was the son he'd loved most.  Now, I don't really have that problem because he's my only son, but that's besides the point.  At age 7, I can already tell he's the son I love most.

I believe when it comes to boys you never know what card you're going to be dealt.  Are you going to get a crazy, loud boy that never seems to calm down?  Or, will you get the boy that is calm, courteous, collected, but still has a love for boy things (sports, cars, etc)?  I believe we lucked out; our boy is of the latter variety.

For me, it's the little things that make the difference.  He's constantly respectful of others, especially adults.  He always wants to do the right thing.  This reminds me of a few times at school he would complain that if he obeyed the rules (of not running, in this case), he'd never get the good seat (or whatever).  He was learning the lesson that good guys finish last.  I thought for sure this would sway him to become a little insubordinate.  It didn't.  In fact the closest he's come to being a "bad kid" was a few weeks ago when he got suspended from school.  Apparently he & a friend were horsing around when PJ bit his friend on the arm.  The kid complained to the lunch lady, and PJ received a suspension.  I was a little afraid that day would come, but when it did, it was easy to blow off.  Boys will be boys.

He's a softy, but he still loves boy things: football, baseball, cars, 4-wheelers, motorcycles, etc.  The few things we have in common, really give me hope for the future.  I love these days with my son.  I just hope there's still a little more uphill before things go downhill.  

Resolutions - Revisited

At the beginning of this year I posted my resolutions, and such, for 2010.  Well, here it is, the end of the year.  Let's see if I've accomplished anything of value...

My resolutions for 2010 were as follows:

1. Pray with both my son & my girls before they go to bed.
2. Do coffee or breakfast with all my kids, but especially Carly. (Remember, God has engineered YOU to mesh with your family. You, not Mark, not Ryan, not Will, are the spiritual leader of your family for a REASON.)
3. Continue with small group. It's been a while since I've been encouraged in such a way that I'm motivated to go home and lead my family in the pursuit of following God.
4. Be diligent, honest, & committed to my spending plan. Understand that it's OK to revise the plan as long as we both agree.
5. Join a reading plan on Youversion.com. Make reasonable attempts to stick with it. Hold laura accountable.
6. Pick out a Bible verse with the kids to memorize. Attempt more as time permits.
7. Pray more frequently
8. When is God most apparent to you? Is it during worship? Driving, what?
9. God has placed His desires in our hearts! What are YOU going to do about it?!

Ok, let's see how I did...

1. Fail.  I don't think I did this at all.
2. Neither fail nor success.  Although I didn't really do coffee or breakfast with any of them this year, I did make a point to take them individually out with me to do things, like errand running and such.  It's not nearly the face time I had in mind, but it was something.  And the kids & I did have had some good conversations.  I like this one though, and I think I'll keep it on the list for 2011.
3. Fail.  Joined a small group, but dropped out.  No fault to the group; I was feeling the demand of the commitment I'd made, and I didn't like that.
4. Success!  Although I wouldn't call it a complete success, we did stay (relatively) committed to our spending plan, and managed to come out in the black.  (considering it's post-Christmas I consider that a definite success)  So, to improve upon this goal, I plan to make some revisions, and keep better track of where my money is actually going.
5. Fail.  Although I joined the plan, motivation was nonexistent.  I'm not really sure what the solution is here.
6. Fail.  Completely forgot about this one once I wrote it.
7. Neither fail nor success.  Although I feel I prayed rather frequently, I definitely didn't pray as much as I wanted to.
8. I think this is an ongoing question.  My answer as of now: during Worship.
9. This question fuels a complicated answer that I'm not prepared to answer now.

Although it appears that 2010 was mostly a FAIL for me, I'm not looking at it that way.  I did manage to carve out a new position at work, that I actually like.  Football this year was a success.  The hopes I have for my kids have not subsided. I have worked out at the gym a bit...

That leads me to my resolutions for 2011:

• Continue working out at the gym, but progress toward a 5 day workout week.
• Significantly reduce my daily sugar intake.
• Revise budget to include 401k contributions, and better weekly expenditure tracking
• Read a novel
• Better refine my work duties, responsibilities
• Create an actual schedule for one-on-one time with each of the family members - especially Laura.  (see number 2 above)
• Find a Disciple that works with me.
• Take more pictures, and publish them.
• Create and develop long-term goals
• Pray with, and for my children.
• Learn Mandarin (a little)
• Get another tattoo
• Do at least 1 fun thing with my cousin, Eric
• Visit my sisters (both of them)

It'll be interesting to see how I do this year. 

What Made You A Car Guy? [Question Of The Day]

Found this on Jalopnik the other day:

What Made You A Car Guy? [Question Of The Day]:

Whether we're born with an innate love of automobiles or not, environmental factors fan the flames. Just ask an Andretti. What made you a car guy (or gal for the 4% of the Jalopnik readership who is female)?


Personally, growing up in a steadfastly working class neighborhood I had little access to fine automobiles or classics. It was mostly trucks and cars kept barely running. So quirky cars like an Isuzu Impulse and Subaru Brat became my objects of affection and shaped me into a strange car guy. The next transformation came when we moved to an apartment complex in Houston and a neighbor's son, a dentist, would bring over well-worn issues of Road & Track too dog-eared for his lobby.


Reading Peter Egan, Phil Hill, and Thos L. Bryant gave me an appreciation of the finer things in life. Finally, a grandfather willing to drive me anywhere to see anything (firetrucks, classic cars, new car shows) sealed the deal. Thus I can like a new fire engine, an old rusty El Camino, and a perfectly restored Bugatti. All in the same day.
What's the source of your car love?

For me, I'd have to say it was my dad taking me to car shows, crash-up derbies, drag races, etc. From there, the cars themselves took over. The countless color schemes, smoke from burnouts, the smell of burnt racing fuel, and the revs of V8 engines, was like the perfume and make-up of a pretty girl walking by. It still makes my heart flutter. The funny thing is, it's not the ride in the car(s) that I remember. I didn't get very many of those.

I actually think I'm more a car guy now than only just a few years ago. I recently let go of all my auto-inhibitions and started taking a car for what it is, rather than how old it is, or who it was made from/by.  I have a greater appreciation for the automobile now than I ever have.

I sometimes notice how my son is attracted to cars.  I'm finding he likes many of the same attributes, but really likes trucks & Jeeps.  ...not my thing, but that's ok.  I really think this stuff runs in the blood.  Thanks dad!

Discipline is a challenge

For over a year I've been stashing money away for the purchase of a new car.  I decided on what I wanted last August, but was nowhere near the down payment I wanted.  I had even considered purchasing the car late last fall, to take advantage of the sales tax savings, but decided that a larger (30%) down payment outweighed the good interest rate, & tax savings.  It was then that I decided to buy a 2010 model toward the late spring of 2010. 

A couple weeks go the 2011 models were announced.  I reviewed the specs & looked at the pictures, but decided that I didn't really like the styling changes, and was glad that I had decided on the 2010 model.

So, it was yesterday that I had contacted the dealer to see what's available and place my order if need be.  Come to find out, the last date to place an order for the 2010 model was a month ago (March 19th), and there's no cars on the lot in all of Michigan, Indiana, & Ohio.  I'm screwed.

People keep trying to talk me out of the new car purchase.  I completely understand the difference in value new vs. used.  I am conscious of the whole “the car goes down in value by X% as soon as you drive it off the lot” argument.  I have 2 rebuttals: 1) I'm not going to sell my car as soon as I drive it off the lot; I plan to keep it for 10+ years,  and 2) This car is absent in the used market; people buy these cars and keep them.  Buying used isn't really a viable option. 

So now that I have to wait an additional 3-4 months, I must stay diligent with my saving.  It's very difficult to see a woot-off and not press the I Want One button.  I see the deals at Newegg on a weekly basis, & have to close the site as soon as I open it, because I know that I'll be tempted.  There's a video game that I want to get next month, and it pains me to know that I can't.  Keeping my 'eye on the prize' takes more willpower than I had originally thought.  I just hope I can make it.  :)

Photo courtesy of Autoblog

Great idea, no place to put it...

This morning as I lay awake in bed, not wanting to get up for work, I had an epiphany.

I’ve been trying to come up with a tattoo idea for my left forearm, for the better part of 3 years. I knew how I wanted the tattoo to make me feel when I looked at it, but that was all I could come up with. I knew that it had to be a certain size in order to fit my forearm. That there is the problem.

So I lie awake in bed, brain is contemplating the crazy dream I had, when this image popped into my head! (I’m going to attempt to explain what the image was in text, so please bear with me.) Picture Jesus’ face. Now picture his face made up of puzzle pieces. Now picture some of those puzzle pieces missing. I believe that this image represents how we know Jesus. We have some idea what he looks like (metaphorically of course), but we’re missing some important details.

I would love to get this tattoo, but there’s no way it’ll fit on my forearm. I’m stuck; I don’t know what to do. :(

See more progress on: get another tattoo

Resolutions

Today a friend asked me what my spiritual goals/resolutions are for 2010. I didn't really have any definitive resolutions that were specifically spiritual so I didn't really answer the question. On the drive home I managed a little reflection time & came up with a laundry list of things that I want to do, be able to do, or accomplish this year. (Please note that sometimes it helps me think to write in the third person.)

Goals for 2010:

• Pray with both my son & my girls before they go to bed.
• Do coffee or breakfast with all my kids, but especially Carly. (Remember, God has engineered YOU to mesh with your family. You, not Mark, not Ryan, not Will, are the spiritual leader of your family for a REASON.)
• Continue with small group. It's been a while since I've been encouraged in such a way that I'm motivated to go home and lead my family in the pursuit of following God.
• Be diligent, honest, & committed to my spending plan. Understand that it's OK to revise the plan as long as we both agree.
• Join a reading plan on Youversion.com. Make reasonable attempts to stick with it. Hold laura accountable.
• Pick out a Bible verse with the kids to memorize. Attempt more as time permits.
• Pray more frequently
• Baby steps...

I also came up with a couple questions that I'd like to answer:

• When is God most apparent to you? Is it during worship? Driving, what?
• God has placed His desires in our hearts! What are YOU going to do about it?!

Joy revisited

Finding joy has been one of those things that I've struggled with for a long time. Not really knowing what it looks like makes it all the more difficult to know it when I have it. I've always known it's more than just “being happy”. This weekend, God has blessed me with just a taste of what His joy can be. I can only imagine what His joy can look like at its full glory!

There's no doubt about it, the warm sunny weather did a good deal to improve my attitude this weekend. Saturday was a busy day. The morning was packed with Cheer-Off for the OMYFA. It's always chaotic, but usually worth it in the end. Carly's team got 3rd place out of 10ish teams, & the Chargers managed to get the Sportsmanship award (the whole team, football & cheer). It was so wonderful to see the girls enjoy themselves.
From then it was a nice wedding of a friend, followed by a monster truck show for PJ & I. None of these event were all that special. I don't really know how else to explain it, other than “it came from God.”

Sunday got even better. There was a short section of our church service where people could share their testimonies. I'm not averse to offering mine, but most of the time, I have nothing to share. This day was different. I felt lead to share that I had found just a little bit of joy. Ever since, I'd been on a high.
After church I sat in the sun watching as a bunch of kids (neighborhood, church, & ours) played in the leaves, laughed out loud, & chased each other around the house. The Sunday ended with a nice trip to the cider mill & a dinner out.

The funny thing is, it was so similar to weekends past, yet this one had so much more peace & love. It probably sounds a bit cheesy to the outsider, but very authentic to me; and it's clear as to where these feelings are stemming from.

Sunday FAIL

Ask any parent and they'll tell you that at one point within the last week or two they've felt like a failure. Well, Sunday was the day for me. We woke up Sunday morning, and decided to ditch church. This happens on occasion, usually to do family activities, but this time, we had no agenda. (mistake number 1). We decided to go out for a walk, then on to the mall for some school shopping. (mistake numbers 2, & 3). Laura couldn't find the proper shoes for trail walking, & The Somerset Collection always makes me crabby. (I may tackle this in another post). When we got back, Laura & I did some housework, while the kids played with their friends inside, and out.

I should note that having the neighborhood over to play usually ends up with the Laura & I cleaning the shambles that our house becomes. To nip this in the bud, we decided to force the children to go outside and play. While discussing this preemptive action with the wife, it was at this time that I realized that we were both snippy, and probably should have taken naps. On, we trotted.

Fast-forward. The neighborhood kids have left, we are getting in the van to go to a group meeting, and there is stuff all over the yard, my truck, and the driveway. I don't like stuff strewn about the yard, especially while we're gone. I manage to bite the heads off all three kids to pick up their stuff, all within a couple of minutes. It struck me as a pretty-shitty-thing-to-do when I watched my once, chipper daughter, mope her way back to the van after reluctantly walking in the house to put away a water bottle. I had broken her spirit.

Laura has brought to my attention that this is one thing she wants to avoid: breaking their spirits. I agree with her. It's a line that's difficult to see while you're trying to shoehorn your children into being “responsible”. Once you cross it though, you see that joy escape from their eyes. Seeing that rips a hole in my heart.

I am realizing these last few months that, with regard to parent/child relationships, no amount of apologizing can take away the damage that's been done. You might be forgiven, but the only way to escape damaging your children, is to avoid the damage in the first place. It's in this, that I realize I am unable to do this on my own. The only way I can parent properly is to have God by my side.

Technorati Tags: parenting, FAIL

Where the heck does all the time go?

I want to start a magazine called American Christian Father. It would have tips on time management, specifically how to work in everything that all Christian dads should be doing on a daily basis; praying, working out, eating healthy, playing with the kids, mentoring, serving the community, reading the Bible, proper budgeting, fixing the car, fixing the house, taking the kids to football practice, helping with homework, proper child rearing & discipline, etc. I just know that I'm not the only dad in America that is constantly struggling with proper time management. Trying to cram all these things into the post-work 5hrs seems nearly impossible.

It occurred to me this morning that even if I had the motivation to actually start a workout routine, I wouldn't have the time. With kids' extra-curriculars, bedtime routine, (and everything else listed above) it's no wonder why we Americans are fat (and lazy). I'm headed right down that path. The hour or two that I'm actually commitment-free usually borders my bedtime. That, obviously, rules out many of the above To-Dos.

Some would argue that the woman of the house's list is even longer. As I'm sure that's true, I am unable to adequately represent that point of view, so I won't.

Safety is awesome, but adventure is better.

I often replace God with other things in my life. In the words of Britney, “I am a slaaaave for you”; with “you” being money, children, finances, household responsibilities, etc.

Two nights ago, I thought, “maybe tomorrow I'll actually read some scripture.” Did I? No. I thought about it twice throughout the day, but I failed. The sad thing is, I have a bible sitting here on my desk. Heck, I set my phone on it every day. I'm burying God's Word underneath my daily crap!

I've been praying for safety, and comfort for years, and God has answered those prayers. I knew could lead to a boring life, but I was willing to take that chance. I am now struggling with complacency, feel an itch to expand. Yes, I desire a stable home, job, healthy family. But, where's the joy, the adventure?

I am a very cognitive person, & consider myself aware of my surroundings. I love movies; and I know it's because I can live vicariously through the characters on the screen. It allows me to feel that thrill of adventure, pain & joy of love and family. We as humans hunger for joy & love! The cool thing is, God can provide! You just have to believe.

I can speak it, but living it is considerably harder. I was told recently that I am afraid to ask the tough questions to God. “...Break me, use me...” It's true. I can superficially ask God to use me, but since I'm not asking with my heart, I don't see anything happening. 

Technorati Tags: Britney, Jesus, faith,

Where does all the time go?

Taking 30 seconds to reflect on all that's happened since my last update, I've determined that I'm way behind!  Oops.  Here's all the things we've been up to:

• Bought a pop-up camper, and drove it to Kentucky for a family reuinion.  It was hot!
• Replaced the struts in my car (by myself), had the car alignment done, twice, and it still pulls to the left.  Arg!
• Determined that our marriage seems to do better when the kids aren't around.
• Decided to put all our kids in public school this fall (for the first time), both of us are nervous.

There's a few other things but they're even less interesting.  I think I'll make a few more entries this month for old-times sake.  I'll be sure to include pictures.

The all-elusive Joy

Real Joy by Technowannabe

Joy for me is so difficult to get a-hold of. Some days I can walk throughout my day, arms wide, eyes closed, basking in God's awesomeness. Most days though, I feel stuffed in the box that is my life. Such is the working stiff. I can find joy in my kids (when they're being nice to each other), and nature, even the city in the early morning. Other days I feel like I wouldn't know joy if it kicked me in the face.

For the cognitive soul that I am, “joy” is difficult to wrap my head around. What does it mean to be joyful? What does that look like?

Technorati Tags: Joy, reflection

Pain – Mind over matter

Photo by Jake Liefer

This past Monday I took some time after work to work on the garden. We decided after pulling entirely too much grass & weeds, on Saturday, that we needed to build a garden “platform”. So, I bought a bunch of gardening timbers and was assembling the box Monday evening. I had borrowed my father-in-law's sledge hammer to drive the rebar through the timbers into the ground to stabilize the contraption. I had two hammers I was using, and frequently switching between the two. Being the lazy, fat-ass that I am, I didn't feel like bending over to pick up the sledge. Instead, I attempted to use my foot to flip up the handle to a vertical position so I could, then, pick it up. My suave move quickly turned inept, when the handle whacked my knee, hard. Acute pain entered my knee. I immediately started to limp toward the back door so I could lay down on the couch in agony. Halfway to the door I felt a little lightheaded. My thoughts turned from “OMG, this hurts!” to “seriously, lightheadedness? This is bull-crap!” I decided then, & there that I wasn't going to let the pain over-take my body. I turned around and limped back to the garden. I concentrated on ignoring the throbbing pain. A few minutes later, I was fine. A bump on the knee, but fine nonetheless.

It occurred to me that I could probably use this same technique for other things, like tattoos. I'm sure birthing women use a similar technique during labor. It's like a door has opened to a new world. I'm laying it on a little thick, but you get my point. I'm going to stop being a wimp, and suck it up, from now on.

Technorati Tags: pain, mind-over-matter, sledgehammer

Buying American ignorance

(4/1/09)

I saw a bumper sticker on a car on the way home from work today. It said, “Please don't put my flag on your foreign car.” Living in the Detroit area I see this one all the time, “Out of a job yet? Keep buying foreign!” I am SO SICK of all those stupid, ignorant stickers, and therefore, viewpoints. Have these people thought of where all their other crap comes from? Where are your clothes made? Where is your new Playstation3 made? What about your FLAG STICKER? I suppose there are a few things still made in the States, but when it really boils down to it, no one cares until it affects their selfish asses. No one seemed to give a shit where their textiles were made, and the Carolinas had a tough time when all the textiles moved out of the US.

I grew up with a father working for GM for over 25 years. He made a moderate income and had the luxury of borrowing cars from GM on occasion. I was brainwashed as a child to think GM made the best cars in the world... and when it came time for me to buy my first new car, I didn't hesitate. I went on over to the Pontiac dealer and bought a Grand Am. I really wanted a stick-shift, but it wasn't offered. I needed a car, as I had recently totaled mine. I reluctantly bought the car, even though I KNEW I was just 'settling'. When it came time to purchase my next new vehicle, a van, I was already aware of the quality problems the big 3 had with their minivans, and drove right past. I bought a Honda. My dad was “disappointed” to say the least. It was then and there that I decided I am a “consumer”. I am not forced to buy a particular brand.

I'm nearly ready to buy my next new car. This one to replace my Grand Am. The big 3 don't make a car that I like. Why should I settle all over again? I refuse.

I am a person that likes to drive. I love the feeling of a stick shift in my hand. It's like the car & I are one. (It's a little cheesy, but that's ok) I guess this is where I differ from the average American. I guess you could call me an enthusiast; I have certain expectations that I guess many other people don't.

The lines of “American made” are becoming more blurry. Many “foreign” cars are either assembled here, or have a large American content. And conversely, many “American” cars are made of a large number of foreign parts. What about the foreign car companies that are owned by American car companies; are those foreign, or domestic? These are all things that people don't consider when making ignorant accusations.

(4/7/09)

I saw a lawn sign today that read “OUTSOURCING: Just say NO” on it. (It actually referred to a school district, but this is often a hot-button topic for manufacturers as well.) I laughed a little. Not all outsourcing is bad. If there were no outsourcing, I'd be out of a job. We don't design any of the parts we make. We build to our customers' designs. Our customers want to be able to take the part out of the package and place it in the assembly. Frankly, in many cases, we make a better-quality part than what they can make themselves. In addition, large companies don't have the time or resources to manage a considerable amount of small parts. It's sure easier (read: cheaper) to track/control a part number than it is to control the design and manufacture of that item.

I'm just tired of listening to all the whining about job losses due to a many-year history of falling quality, and design. The Big 3 have dug their own hole. Why should I jump in it? I expect to buy another new car in about 5-10 years. Perhaps by then the American car companies will earn the respect they desire, and I will buy one of their cars.

Technorati Tags: auto industry, cars, mony, rant

God's cool.

8:30am

Every once in a while I realize how special I am to God. So far, today is one of those days. I started off in a funk. My heart felt lead to read the Bible a bit here at work, but it wasn't the reading of the Bible, but the “tug” I felt. (I'm also checking out Youversion by recommendation of a friend) I'm actually getting to experience what I hear others so frequently talk about.

A while back I asked God to show me what it meant to give Him my pain/anguish/frustration/anger... Slowly, but surely, I'm starting to figure that out. He's really taking the lead on this, as I am still unable to explain it. I get this peace, sometimes happiness, wash over me following said pain/frustration/etc. I am unbelievably thankful for God's patience with me. With every struggle in my gut, I feel reassurance in my heart. How cool!

I hear it's going to be 65°F today; it's my birthday (read: I am alive one more year); there's a bunch of people coming over tonight to help me celebrate; I received a zillion (10) messages on my Facebook wall wishing me a happy birthday.

It's now 4pm & this has been a difficult day. The potential for anger & frustration is there, but doesn't come to fruition. He keeps my heart open and peaceful. I'm looking forward to the blue sky, some green beer, some friends over, and a bunch of love in the air. Thank you Jesus.

Technorati Tags: birthday, St. Patrick's Day, Jesus

Art

I'm an engineer by profession. My brain has always had a difficult time using its right side. In fact, that's the main reason why I dropped out of architecture school; I couldn't figure out my professors. I thought they were all quacks. In my old age, although I'm still applying logic to art, I'm starting to understand art better; I think.

I was listening to This Week in Photography again, and Fred is interviewing one of the most popular photographers on flickr, Rebekka. She made a comment that struck me. Basically she was saying it doesn't matter how the image is created. It only matters how you feel when you look at it. (I'm paraphrasing). Generally I find that I'm in the camp of "you must get the image correct out of the camera" rather, "only a little post-processing should be required." But I realize now that it really doesn't matter. How do you feel when you look at that image?

Logically, this also applies to music. Who cares if it was written by a team of writers, and the singer is only so-so, but looks good? How do you feel when you listen to it? I still have a lot more respect for vocalists & bands that can write their own material. Similarly, I have a lot of respect for those that can do it all in the camera. I figure this is because I have some idea of how hard it is to get it right, right out of the camera.

Art is cool.

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15 Albums

Below are the 15 albums that have made a significant impact on my life (in no particular order):

1. Master of Puppets - Metallica. This was my first introduction to speed metal at the age of 12ish. I was complaining to a friend at summer camp that my ZZ Top wasn't cutting it anymore. He had this and a Megadeth album. The Megadeth album made a bit nervous due to the name of the band. So I chose Metallica. I was quite surprised at its genious.
   
2. (black) - Metallica. Even though I was an avid Metallica fan, I didn't buy this album until a year after it was released. I saw them in concert (for this tour) twice, and was awestruck at their musical-ness (don't judge me for my lack of vocabulary). The contrast between this and their previous albums was significant. They were able to produce music that the masses could take in...
   
3. Thriller - Michael Jackson. I used to lie on my livingroom floor, staring at the album sleeve whilst listening to the awesomeness that is Thriller. (First real intro to pop)
   
4. Automatic for the People - REM. For most this was just another good REM album. For me it was the foot in the door of all things REM and more. I had avoided REM for many years, as I didn't want to be a part of "that" crowd. I liked my hair metal.
5. IV - Led Zeppelin. I don't think I really need to say anything about this. If you don't know this album, shame on you.
6. (?) - Colgate 13 from Colgate University circa 1991. This album was entirely accapella. 13 guys singing an assortment of rearranged songs, all in perfect pitch. This, I thought, was talent.
7. Siamese Dream - Smashing Pumpkins. I bought this CD on a whim, and was pleasantly surprised. Every song contrasts the other; melodic sweetness.
   
8. Villains - Verve Pipe. One of those "college CDs" that I have fond memories about. This one in particular reminds me of Laura & I when we lived together at CMU.
9. With Teeth - Nine Inch Nails. Now, you may have expected me to say Pretty Hate Machine, or Downward Spiral, but no. Although Laura owns both of those, With Teeth was really the album that showed me how cool NIN is now (then). From there I watched Beside You in Time and was blown away. I then went back to Downward Spiral and listened as if I had never heard it before (at least the non-radio tracks). I now call myself a NIN fan, and am still pissed I've never seen them in concert.
10. In Search of Sunrise 3 - DJ Tiesto. This album really opened the doors of Trance to me. From here I went on to explore Armin van Burren, Above & Beyond (my current favorite), Paul van Dyk, etc. You can't help but dance when listening to this album.
11. Static & Silence - The Sundays. I listened to this album walking back & forth to class everyday back in '98. Since Laura had already graduated and was living back at home, the georgous voice of Harriet Wheeler reminded me of Laura. (Awwww...) I think this is The Sudays' best album, although many think differently.
    
12. (himself) - Eddie Murphy. Back in 7th grade my buddy & I would wait until his parents went to sleep, and would listen to this album with the volume as quiet as we could stand it, shoving our faces in pillows to lessen our hysterical lafter. It's not music, but it opened up my world to comedy in the audio form.
    
13. Glo - Delerious?. This was the first Christian CD that that I found cool i.e., the first time I learned Christian music could be cool.
14. Can You Hear Us? - David Crowder Band. The most identifiable lyrics evar!
    
15. Morning View - Incubus. Even though this is not my favorite Incubus album, nor is it the first I've owned, it's the album that I was listening to heavily when I proclaimed my first favorite artist/band: Incubus. This is quite significant because, until that time I had never had a favorite. In fact it's still difficult to determine a favorite even today.

This list was surprisingly more difficult to generate than I thought. I've listened to so many different styles of music, let alone artists, that have had some sort of impact. In fact, music alone has an emotional impact. That's why humans identify with it so much. This is one gift that God has granted us that I appreciate above many others. It's easy for me to be move to tears by tonality alone.

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25 Things you probably don't know (or care to know) about me

1. My first car accident was when I was 16 & 2 weeks old.  I was hit by a drunk driver whilst "borrowing" my mother's car to cruise around with my girlfriend.  It scared the crap out of me.
2. My first job was working in a pizza place.  I lasted 2 months.  I learned a lot: don't work in the food business, & don't complain about everything.
3. I can't decide what my favorite color is.  Sometimes it's blue, sometimes it's green.
4. When I was a kid I longed to work at Lego.  It was my dream job, and I really thought I had the "stuff" to do it.  I later came to the realization that I really wasn't that good. :)
5. When I was 16 I skipped out on the family tradition of going to our church's Christmas Eve service (which I really did enjoy).  Instead I went to my girlfriend's family party (yes, the same one in #1).  It was then that I learned how much my then-girlfriend enjoyed the bottle & the pipe (if you know what I mean).  I vowed to never skip Christmas Eve service again.
6. I love dance music.  About 8-9 years ago my friend played me some Detroit Techno.  I then went to explore other types of electronic music and finally settled on dance (house, club, euro-trance, etc).  Internet radio has been my saving grace in this regard.  I've blogged about Pandora.com many-a-time.
7. I really, really, really, want to travel to Europe and see a huge, spectacular DJ show like Sensation White, Armin Only, Mayday, etc.  See #6.
8. My first car was a 1979 Chevrolet Nova; maroon, inline 6, automatic.  The trunk was rusted shut and the valve cover gasket leaked oil like a gunshot victim on blood thinners.
9. The first time I went to Canada I was 19, dumb, and asked too many questions.  I tried to make chit-chat with the Canadian border patrol.  When they were searching my car (the Nova), they found a couple of my girlfriend's feminine hygiene products in the glove compartment.  They asked me whose it was since she wasn't with me.  I said, "My girlfriend's".  They asked me to open the trunk.  I said I couldn't; it's rusted shut.  I showed the officer and that was good enough for her.  Obviously this was well before 9/11.
10. My first time having a beer cooler was during my trip to Canada (see #9).
11. I've always thought that my life would make a good movie.
12. I’ve lived my entire life in Michigan.  Although some days in the winter I’d like to move someplace warm, I don’t think I’ll ever leave.
13. I married the girl I took to my high school senior prom:

14. When I was a kid (<12), whenever I fell off my bike, I made sure to get up quickly & not make much fuss, because I felt like an idiot when the neighbors would come out to “rescue” me.
15. When I was 13, my friend & I would sneak into a quiet place in the house and listen to Eddie Murphy tapes.
16. About 4 years ago I spent a week in Amsterdam on a short-term mission trip assisting a local church called Zolder50.  Although we were there doing God’s work, it didn’t really feel like we accomplished much.  I loved the city, and want need to take my wife there.
17. I have a serious problem with authority, namely cops.  I have a feeling this is an inherited trait, which strangely, makes me proud.
18. I’m constantly intrigued by people and society.  I often wonder how people cope with their individual life struggles, and who their friends are.
19. I’m a jack of all trades, master of none. I am often jealous of people that are really good at things I am interested in, e.g. photography, Guitar (Hero), home improvement, parenting, etc.
20. I changed my own oil in every car I’ve owned.
21. I love cars like I love dance music (see #6).  I just can’t afford to own anything new(ish).
22. My first computer was a 386 DX20 with a 40MiB HDD.  It was a Christmas present in 1989, & cost about $3400.  When I installed a copy of Windows 3.1, it was 20 floppy discs, & I had to use a Stacker program to bring my HDD to 80MiB.
23. I always complain about not having any friends, but I’m not willing to do all the work to obtain/maintain them.  What to 2 married men talk about anyway, their wives?
24. When I was quite young (<6) I would sometimes play doctor with the girl down the street (per her request).  One day my buddy got busted by her mother for playing the same game, and was banned from seeing her again.  I was too little to really understand what was going on or its ramifications.  I even, often, felt uncomfortable playing that “game” but didn’t have any idea about how to express my feelings.  She & I eventually stopped playing each other when she moved on to Jr. High (she was a few years older than I).
25. Although I’m not a fanatic, I do love movies.  I prefer dramas, but I’m also a sucker for those sappy romantic comedies. 
    
26. (Bonus) I have 2 tattoos.  One on each arm.

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