Parental Low Point

Yesterday was a low point in the history of my parenting performance. I inadvertently became my father, and I didn't even see it coming.

I was making sure the kids were to not plug/unplug cords from my computer, I got a little emotional. It started about a month ago when I went to plug my USB thumb drive into the front of my computer in the morning. Dark, I fumbled around trying to get it aligned. Flipped it over the standard 3 times, plus a couple more for good measure. By then I had to turn on a light, and witnessed both the front USB ports completely broken. I was pretty mad, but chalked it up to the computer's placement relative to the high-back chair...my fault. At that point I decided to plug all the necessary cords into the 5 or so ports on the back of the computer, and run the cables along the desk. And, I figured, since we have a zillion micro USB, and iPod cables all over the house, these cables would never need to be removed from the PC.

So yesterday, I am attempting to make sure all the kids understand that the cords need not be removed from the computer. (This is a result of fear that more USB ports will be broken in the future.) By the time I got over to Carly I had become more annoyed at the potential of broken USB ports, so my voice was probably too assertive. She claimed I was "yelling at her". I clarified that I wasn't "yelling". She reiterated her position that I was yelling at her. And before any rational thought could enter my mind, I yelled at the top of my lungs, "DO YOU WANT ME TO YELL?!"

[fail]

I failed on so many levels. On the surface I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I neglected to consider the other 3 people in the room that had absolutely nothing to do with the situation, yet bore the brunt of the attack. My youngest daughter (11) and her friend (8), as well as Carly's friend (11) witnessed the asshole buried inside a pleasant exterior.

Of course it didn't take long before Laura came down to assess the situation. At that time, I realized my job was done, and trotted upstairs, mentioning that I had given instruction of the difference between "yelling" and "not yelling". Shortly thereafter Laura came upstairs to tell me that I freaked out the 8 year old, and Carly's friend was crying. I decided to take a few minutes in solitude to reflect.

After about 30 minutes I came to a few conclusions, with the most significant being what Laura & I have been trying to build (a safe place where our kids, and their friends could hang out, and be loved) was threatened. It could even be torn down in an instant, with a stupid lack of judgment such as this. Carly would likely remember this event for life. Her friend (who's not my kid!) would likely remember me as the father that can blow up at any moment without warning.

I made what seemed like feeble attempts to apologize to everybody. I mentioned that I had a lack of judgment. Now I feel like this apology isn't going to repair the damage I've surely caused. I need to reiterate my feelings of regret, and possibly even promise never to do such a thing again. It was uncalled for, and unnecessary.

PJ

Today I want to write about my son.

Last night I watched 300 for the hundredth time, and I noticed a couple subtle details regarding the father/son relationship I hadn't noticed before.  After the son had been killed, the father said he regretted he hadn't told his son that he was the son he'd loved most.  Now, I don't really have that problem because he's my only son, but that's besides the point.  At age 7, I can already tell he's the son I love most.

I believe when it comes to boys you never know what card you're going to be dealt.  Are you going to get a crazy, loud boy that never seems to calm down?  Or, will you get the boy that is calm, courteous, collected, but still has a love for boy things (sports, cars, etc)?  I believe we lucked out; our boy is of the latter variety.

For me, it's the little things that make the difference.  He's constantly respectful of others, especially adults.  He always wants to do the right thing.  This reminds me of a few times at school he would complain that if he obeyed the rules (of not running, in this case), he'd never get the good seat (or whatever).  He was learning the lesson that good guys finish last.  I thought for sure this would sway him to become a little insubordinate.  It didn't.  In fact the closest he's come to being a "bad kid" was a few weeks ago when he got suspended from school.  Apparently he & a friend were horsing around when PJ bit his friend on the arm.  The kid complained to the lunch lady, and PJ received a suspension.  I was a little afraid that day would come, but when it did, it was easy to blow off.  Boys will be boys.

He's a softy, but he still loves boy things: football, baseball, cars, 4-wheelers, motorcycles, etc.  The few things we have in common, really give me hope for the future.  I love these days with my son.  I just hope there's still a little more uphill before things go downhill.  

Resolutions - Revisited

At the beginning of this year I posted my resolutions, and such, for 2010.  Well, here it is, the end of the year.  Let's see if I've accomplished anything of value...

My resolutions for 2010 were as follows:

1. Pray with both my son & my girls before they go to bed.
2. Do coffee or breakfast with all my kids, but especially Carly. (Remember, God has engineered YOU to mesh with your family. You, not Mark, not Ryan, not Will, are the spiritual leader of your family for a REASON.)
3. Continue with small group. It's been a while since I've been encouraged in such a way that I'm motivated to go home and lead my family in the pursuit of following God.
4. Be diligent, honest, & committed to my spending plan. Understand that it's OK to revise the plan as long as we both agree.
5. Join a reading plan on Youversion.com. Make reasonable attempts to stick with it. Hold laura accountable.
6. Pick out a Bible verse with the kids to memorize. Attempt more as time permits.
7. Pray more frequently
8. When is God most apparent to you? Is it during worship? Driving, what?
9. God has placed His desires in our hearts! What are YOU going to do about it?!

Ok, let's see how I did...

1. Fail.  I don't think I did this at all.
2. Neither fail nor success.  Although I didn't really do coffee or breakfast with any of them this year, I did make a point to take them individually out with me to do things, like errand running and such.  It's not nearly the face time I had in mind, but it was something.  And the kids & I did have had some good conversations.  I like this one though, and I think I'll keep it on the list for 2011.
3. Fail.  Joined a small group, but dropped out.  No fault to the group; I was feeling the demand of the commitment I'd made, and I didn't like that.
4. Success!  Although I wouldn't call it a complete success, we did stay (relatively) committed to our spending plan, and managed to come out in the black.  (considering it's post-Christmas I consider that a definite success)  So, to improve upon this goal, I plan to make some revisions, and keep better track of where my money is actually going.
5. Fail.  Although I joined the plan, motivation was nonexistent.  I'm not really sure what the solution is here.
6. Fail.  Completely forgot about this one once I wrote it.
7. Neither fail nor success.  Although I feel I prayed rather frequently, I definitely didn't pray as much as I wanted to.
8. I think this is an ongoing question.  My answer as of now: during Worship.
9. This question fuels a complicated answer that I'm not prepared to answer now.

Although it appears that 2010 was mostly a FAIL for me, I'm not looking at it that way.  I did manage to carve out a new position at work, that I actually like.  Football this year was a success.  The hopes I have for my kids have not subsided. I have worked out at the gym a bit...

That leads me to my resolutions for 2011:

• Continue working out at the gym, but progress toward a 5 day workout week.
• Significantly reduce my daily sugar intake.
• Revise budget to include 401k contributions, and better weekly expenditure tracking
• Read a novel
• Better refine my work duties, responsibilities
• Create an actual schedule for one-on-one time with each of the family members - especially Laura.  (see number 2 above)
• Find a Disciple that works with me.
• Take more pictures, and publish them.
• Create and develop long-term goals
• Pray with, and for my children.
• Learn Mandarin (a little)
• Get another tattoo
• Do at least 1 fun thing with my cousin, Eric
• Visit my sisters (both of them)

It'll be interesting to see how I do this year. 

Sunday FAIL

Ask any parent and they'll tell you that at one point within the last week or two they've felt like a failure. Well, Sunday was the day for me. We woke up Sunday morning, and decided to ditch church. This happens on occasion, usually to do family activities, but this time, we had no agenda. (mistake number 1). We decided to go out for a walk, then on to the mall for some school shopping. (mistake numbers 2, & 3). Laura couldn't find the proper shoes for trail walking, & The Somerset Collection always makes me crabby. (I may tackle this in another post). When we got back, Laura & I did some housework, while the kids played with their friends inside, and out.

I should note that having the neighborhood over to play usually ends up with the Laura & I cleaning the shambles that our house becomes. To nip this in the bud, we decided to force the children to go outside and play. While discussing this preemptive action with the wife, it was at this time that I realized that we were both snippy, and probably should have taken naps. On, we trotted.

Fast-forward. The neighborhood kids have left, we are getting in the van to go to a group meeting, and there is stuff all over the yard, my truck, and the driveway. I don't like stuff strewn about the yard, especially while we're gone. I manage to bite the heads off all three kids to pick up their stuff, all within a couple of minutes. It struck me as a pretty-shitty-thing-to-do when I watched my once, chipper daughter, mope her way back to the van after reluctantly walking in the house to put away a water bottle. I had broken her spirit.

Laura has brought to my attention that this is one thing she wants to avoid: breaking their spirits. I agree with her. It's a line that's difficult to see while you're trying to shoehorn your children into being “responsible”. Once you cross it though, you see that joy escape from their eyes. Seeing that rips a hole in my heart.

I am realizing these last few months that, with regard to parent/child relationships, no amount of apologizing can take away the damage that's been done. You might be forgiven, but the only way to escape damaging your children, is to avoid the damage in the first place. It's in this, that I realize I am unable to do this on my own. The only way I can parent properly is to have God by my side.

Technorati Tags: parenting, FAIL

Where the heck does all the time go?

I want to start a magazine called American Christian Father. It would have tips on time management, specifically how to work in everything that all Christian dads should be doing on a daily basis; praying, working out, eating healthy, playing with the kids, mentoring, serving the community, reading the Bible, proper budgeting, fixing the car, fixing the house, taking the kids to football practice, helping with homework, proper child rearing & discipline, etc. I just know that I'm not the only dad in America that is constantly struggling with proper time management. Trying to cram all these things into the post-work 5hrs seems nearly impossible.

It occurred to me this morning that even if I had the motivation to actually start a workout routine, I wouldn't have the time. With kids' extra-curriculars, bedtime routine, (and everything else listed above) it's no wonder why we Americans are fat (and lazy). I'm headed right down that path. The hour or two that I'm actually commitment-free usually borders my bedtime. That, obviously, rules out many of the above To-Dos.

Some would argue that the woman of the house's list is even longer. As I'm sure that's true, I am unable to adequately represent that point of view, so I won't.

Battleship!

Tessa loves Battleship. We played 5 games last night, and at 9 this morning, she comes barging in our bedroom begging to play more. I never would have thought she would have liked this game quite this much. It sure beats video games, which she tends to have an addiction. Kids always amaze. Make sure you take note of my awesome ship placement!

Revelation...history

Yesterday I was driving home listening to a re-broadcast of Obama's speech.  I thought it was good.  I identified with much of what he had to say.  One of his bullet-points, he mentioned about schools today, made me think.  My mind raced at the possibilities of the future of our schools.  It quickly went to the extreme of forcing all children to be in state-run schools.  I coupled that with Bush's history of unauthorized wiretapping, and increased Homeland Security authority.  Then in popped my a thought, "Socialism".  Of course I haven't really heard that term since government class in high school. 

When I was a kid in high school, I asked my parents why I had to learn the crappy subjects like history & social studies.  They told me a simple answer, "so we don't repeat the mistakes we made in the past."  It sounded reasonable enough, but I never gave it any more thought.  My parents were "smart" so I assumed they knew what they were talking about.  Now that I'm an adult, and I am directly affected by the government and its restrictions, I am naturally more interested in politics.  (Of course it's more apparent with this past election, and its significance.)  I realized that if we as a people don't know our history, and the history of other countries, we are doomed to repeat mistakes of the past.  We won't be able to recognize when a capitalist society slowly turns into a socialist society. 

These thoughts really have nothing to do with Obama in particular, but only the presidential position in general.  You may be thinking I'm taking things too far with my thoughts, but remember, Hitler was elected (sort of), and so was Chancellor Palpetine.

Interview with the Nielsens

Interview with the Nielsens from Mark Nielsen on Vimeo.

Guilty pleasures...so?

54 by !SOY 89¡ on Zooomr

We all have guilty pleasures, although it's more guilty for men, I'm thinking.  A friend of mine has created a list of his top 5 guilty pleasure movies; one of which is Mean Girls.  I have to admit, I have several guilty pleasures.  Here are a few:

1. Mean Girls
2. Sky High
3. Freaky Friday
   
4. "One Step at a Time" by Jordan Sparks
5. nearly anything by Justin Timberlake
6. "Womanizer" by Britney Spears
7. "Disturbia" & "SOS" by Rihanna
   

As you can see, these are pretty bad. But you need to understand, I don't care. Who's judging me?  My friends? My coworkers? You?

I was talking with a friend the other day about why we're homeschooling our kids. One of the bullet-points that popped in my head was self-esteem.
   I can remember numerous times where my peers in school would give me a hard time about what I liked. I tried my darnedest to blow them off, and enjoy what I liked anyway. I wasn't strong enough. It took many years, (and a wonderful wife) to get over those fears of "what will people think?".
   I want my kids to have the freedom to like what they like, why they like it.  Not because their friends like it.

So, basically I'm exercising my right to like stupid stuff.


Pandora Radio - Listen to Free Internet Radio, Find New Music

Technorati Tags: pandora.com, guilty pleasures, music, movies, freaky friday, mean girls

Parenting is more than just the "do's" and the "don't's"

Last Wednesday (10/29/08) I took the girls out to dinner at National Coney Island. We were out and had the opportunity to grab some food outside the house for a change. The kids were pretty excited. They both chatted the whole time, while eating, & coloring on their place-mats. Little Tessa was going on & on about how she wanted her birthday there... (I need to note that this conversation was funny in and of itself, but is not the main focus of this post.) She eventually decided that she wanted to go to Red Robin because they sing, cheer, & bring dessert. Buried in this discussion though, I could see she just wanted to go out to dinner. ...and not just the whole family, but with me specifically. It broke my heart.

It wasn't long ago that I posted about how I was going to take each of the kids out to breakfast, individually, so we can have some quality one-on-one time. Fears of heart attack, and obesity have stifled my plans. I have come to realize, it's not the meal. It's the time. I'm thinking we could go grocery shopping, for that matter, and have a good time.

The more I think about it though, the more I realize it's state of mind. I need to be aware that wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, I could be spending time with the kids. Logistically this could get a little crazy, but I think if it's in my heart, the logistics will follow.

Is "No Child Left Behind" still the right choice?

Schools, Facing Tight Budgets, Leave Gifted Programs Behind - New York Times

Bridget Williams, the principal of Mountain Grove Middle School, maintains that very bright children do not deserve specially tailored classes, especially when the district is focusing on bringing all children up to a minimum standard of competence.
Ms. Williams said it was not so much the education, but merely status, that gifted children lost when their program was cut in September. ''They lost the title,'' she said.

She is not, obviously, gifted nor talented. That statement above can only be made out of ignorance. I'm not about to say that I am gifted either, but I managed to skate through 12 years of public school without having to do any real "work". I received A's & B's my entire school career; that is, until college. I had supposedly been taking "college prep" in high school, but when I arrived in college, it was a rude awakening. All-of-a-sudden, I didn't know how to study. I actually had to work to achieve a decent grade. It only took me a semester of college to realize I was "short-changed" by my public school. There are numerous cases where highly intelligent children have severe side-effects when not challenged.

Others contend that cutting programs for such students threatens the nation's future by stunting the intellectual growth of the next generation of innovators. Not only do gifted children learn faster, but often they learn in a different way, experts say.

This is exactly my thought. So, couple the continued reduction in programs geared toward the intelligent with stricter home-school laws, making it increasingly more difficult to teach your (own) children, and what do you get? You get a country that is bleeding all its intelligence away. I fear the innovative-less future of our nation.



Here's another incident. I've always thought it was pretty stupid to deprive a child of learning as a punishment; especially for something like this where intent is clear.

Technorati Tags: news, school, homeschool, parenting, laws

Mercy

Technorati Tags: kids, photography, friends

I think my kids are at a slight advantage...

By reading this article, I get the feeling that my kids could (almost) fall out of bed and do better...

Some DISD students not ready for college

As a rather new homeschool family, we are often nervous about the learning status of our children. Again, thanks to the internet, we can be reassured that we need not stress out.

Technorati Tags: homeschool, school, news, parenting

God bless the internet

There have been countless occasions where Laura & I have gone to the internet to answer our most dire questions. For me specifically, the internet has come to me with answers to problems I didn't even know I had.

I read a several blogs every day (Lifehacker.com, TWIP, etc), but Dumblittleman ranks up there with my favs. They've always got some great tips to better your quality of life, of which I am always on the lookout. Today, I came across this:

7 Ways to Eliminate Emotional Clutter

Make sure to take a gander. You might find a solution for your 'ism's.


Technorati Tags: emotions, reflection, family,

Yikes! Ain't no way...

"Parents who prayed as their 11-year-old
daughter died of untreated diabetes will be charged with
second-degree reckless homicide, the Marathon County district
attorney said Monday."

I'm somewhat torn when I see articles like this. Where I differ, is that I would do whatever it takes (within reason) to see that my kid(s) stays healthy (read: lives).


ABC News: Homicide Charges for Parents Who Prayed as Daughter Died



Technorati Tags: News, ethics, prayer, healing

GTD, yeah right!

I can't seem to get anything done. I feel like I get home and my brain turns to putty. That makes it even more frustrating for Laura, I'm sure. Her todo list for yesterday & today are ridiculous. Here's a sample:

• Go grocery shopping
• Go pick up extra cookies
• Drop off check at Sherri's house for Brownies
• Go to Co-op
• Teach children
• Make dinner for loving husband
• Buy stuff at Target

Now, I'm not a woman, so I can't remember all the stuff she has to do, but you can tell by this measly list, it's a lot. Just for reference, here's my list:

• Buy shims for door, & finish installing door in basement.
• Get gas
• Find damn glasses
• Wash car, damnit
• Shovel walkway & driveway, apply salt where needed.
• Buy more rock-salt
• Pay bills online
• Renew car registration online
• Transfer money to checking account to cover car renewal
• Narrow down digital video camera choices so when tax return comes in, we know what camera to buy
• Get tax return information to accountant
• Make sure all tax return information is together
• Help Carly deliver cookies
• Spend time with kids...all of them
  

Now my list looks longer, but it's deceiving. These are things I'd like to get done by the end of the weekend. Laura's list is just for today. And, I don't have a good track record of getting things accomplished. I know there are a bunch of sites out there to help with Getting Things Done, (Lifehacker, 43Folders, etc) but I can't do that. Here's why:

The typical day for me is usually like this:

• Get out of work, fight traffic to get home. Get pissed off at the people cutting me off trying to get over at the last minute, because they didn't read the signs, because they were on the phone.
• Walk in the door, yell at the dog, feed the dog, hug all three kids simultaneously, hug the wife, put my coat & other shit away.
• Try not to fall asleep waiting for dinner; try to help make dinner, eat dinner, instruct children to not stand on their chairs and eat their dinner. Put away dirty/clean dishes, remind children to put their dishes away.

Usually at this point, is the time when we go out to get things done: grocery store, Target, etc. If there's no immediate need to go out, the kids and I default to the TV. This is usually how it goes:

• Sneak Girl Scout cookie so kids don't see.
• Relax on couch in front of boob-tube, or play video games with the kids; digest dinner & cookies. I think this is where I lose all ambition to get things done around the house.
  
• Watch movie with kids
• Tell kids to pick up their messes, get pajamas on, brush their teeth, wash their hands
• Watch more TV with kids
• Remind kids to get their pajamas on, wash their hands, brush their teeth
• Turn off TV, listen to kids whine, remind them to get their pajamas on, wash their hands, brush their teeth
• Clean up dog pee (I don't want to talk about it)
• Help kids get their pajamas on, wash their hands, brush their teeth
• Put kids to bed...whew!
• Kiss kids goodnight, answer 20 questions, kiss them goodnight again.
• Go sit on couch, watch last TV show or play last video game, or watch rated >PG-13 movie.
• go to bed.

Now, I know this is a shitty schedule. But it's reality. Notice there's no real bonding with the wife either (nor prayer, but that's a whole other post). Change is hard. I need to formulate an action plan. Check back later for said action plan. Oh, any ideas for said plan are also welcome. :)


Technorati Tags: reflection, family, rant, 43things

Saturday Breakfasts

In my attempt to gain some rapport with my kids, I have decided to take each one of them, on an individual basis, to breakfast on Saturdays. Last week I spent some time with my oldest, and I’m hoping to squeeze the middle child in this Saturday. There’s a birthday party for my youngest, so don’t be haten’. The key here, is to make it a habit, and priority to spend this valuable time with each kid. I’m envisioning an open communication channel when they’re teenagers…

See more progress on: spend more time with my kids