Of course...

My consistent prayer is that God make it clear to me what he wants me to do. I tend to need a pretty good push to actually notice anything. That's why I tell Laura not go give me hints, but rather tell me directly so I don't miss what she's trying to tell me.

So minutes ago, I was at the gas station, the third one today in hopes of finding a good price. A man next to me asked me for some "spare change" because his debit card "stopped working." I didn't see any good reason not to give him a couple bucks. In the back of my mind though, I hear a voice that said to fill his tank. I blew it off thinking that someone with money could do that, but not me. I was mad enough at the recently risen gas prices, and meeting my budget concerns.

I got halfway home when I realized God had indeed aligned the planets for me to serve the Least of These, and I ignored his signals. See, tomorrow I'm going on a road trip for work. So essentially all the money I would've given this man would be reimbursed. I also could've used my rewards card and gotten the points from his fill up. Not to mention, if I were in his shoes I would have felt like a heel, asking for for money. Surely he wasn't excited about it.

So basically, I ignored God's call. I really need to open my eyes and not assume that God isn't talking to me. This is one of those things that I probably won't forget. I only have a few regrets in life. All of them are situations like this, where visit could help, but didn't.

Parental Low Point

Yesterday was a low point in the history of my parenting performance. I inadvertently became my father, and I didn't even see it coming.

I was making sure the kids were to not plug/unplug cords from my computer, I got a little emotional. It started about a month ago when I went to plug my USB thumb drive into the front of my computer in the morning. Dark, I fumbled around trying to get it aligned. Flipped it over the standard 3 times, plus a couple more for good measure. By then I had to turn on a light, and witnessed both the front USB ports completely broken. I was pretty mad, but chalked it up to the computer's placement relative to the high-back chair...my fault. At that point I decided to plug all the necessary cords into the 5 or so ports on the back of the computer, and run the cables along the desk. And, I figured, since we have a zillion micro USB, and iPod cables all over the house, these cables would never need to be removed from the PC.

So yesterday, I am attempting to make sure all the kids understand that the cords need not be removed from the computer. (This is a result of fear that more USB ports will be broken in the future.) By the time I got over to Carly I had become more annoyed at the potential of broken USB ports, so my voice was probably too assertive. She claimed I was "yelling at her". I clarified that I wasn't "yelling". She reiterated her position that I was yelling at her. And before any rational thought could enter my mind, I yelled at the top of my lungs, "DO YOU WANT ME TO YELL?!"

[fail]

I failed on so many levels. On the surface I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I neglected to consider the other 3 people in the room that had absolutely nothing to do with the situation, yet bore the brunt of the attack. My youngest daughter (11) and her friend (8), as well as Carly's friend (11) witnessed the asshole buried inside a pleasant exterior.

Of course it didn't take long before Laura came down to assess the situation. At that time, I realized my job was done, and trotted upstairs, mentioning that I had given instruction of the difference between "yelling" and "not yelling". Shortly thereafter Laura came upstairs to tell me that I freaked out the 8 year old, and Carly's friend was crying. I decided to take a few minutes in solitude to reflect.

After about 30 minutes I came to a few conclusions, with the most significant being what Laura & I have been trying to build (a safe place where our kids, and their friends could hang out, and be loved) was threatened. It could even be torn down in an instant, with a stupid lack of judgment such as this. Carly would likely remember this event for life. Her friend (who's not my kid!) would likely remember me as the father that can blow up at any moment without warning.

I made what seemed like feeble attempts to apologize to everybody. I mentioned that I had a lack of judgment. Now I feel like this apology isn't going to repair the damage I've surely caused. I need to reiterate my feelings of regret, and possibly even promise never to do such a thing again. It was uncalled for, and unnecessary.

PF01 on DGM

PF01 on DGM, originally uploaded by AmateurX.

Fulfillment

Ever get the feeling your life is missing something? For me, it's fulfillment. Every day it's the same old shit. Part of me feels like selling everything and moving somewhere far away. I think it would force me to rely on God, and quite possibly bring my family closer together. I'm too practical a person to actually go through with it. Maybe someday God will show me what the right decision is.

PJ

Today I want to write about my son.

Last night I watched 300 for the hundredth time, and I noticed a couple subtle details regarding the father/son relationship I hadn't noticed before.  After the son had been killed, the father said he regretted he hadn't told his son that he was the son he'd loved most.  Now, I don't really have that problem because he's my only son, but that's besides the point.  At age 7, I can already tell he's the son I love most.

I believe when it comes to boys you never know what card you're going to be dealt.  Are you going to get a crazy, loud boy that never seems to calm down?  Or, will you get the boy that is calm, courteous, collected, but still has a love for boy things (sports, cars, etc)?  I believe we lucked out; our boy is of the latter variety.

For me, it's the little things that make the difference.  He's constantly respectful of others, especially adults.  He always wants to do the right thing.  This reminds me of a few times at school he would complain that if he obeyed the rules (of not running, in this case), he'd never get the good seat (or whatever).  He was learning the lesson that good guys finish last.  I thought for sure this would sway him to become a little insubordinate.  It didn't.  In fact the closest he's come to being a "bad kid" was a few weeks ago when he got suspended from school.  Apparently he & a friend were horsing around when PJ bit his friend on the arm.  The kid complained to the lunch lady, and PJ received a suspension.  I was a little afraid that day would come, but when it did, it was easy to blow off.  Boys will be boys.

He's a softy, but he still loves boy things: football, baseball, cars, 4-wheelers, motorcycles, etc.  The few things we have in common, really give me hope for the future.  I love these days with my son.  I just hope there's still a little more uphill before things go downhill.  

'tini Girl

'tini Girl, originally uploaded by AmateurX.

April Fools Day recap

I think April Fools Day should be re-named April Rules Day. This infographic I think makes my point.

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